My Father's Request to Study a problem

 My Father today asked me to study the weather and I just took a look at the weather challenges, and I stumbled upon a National Geographic website talking about the glaciers in the Himalayan mountains and the enormous amount of ice and the target to limit the temperature increase should be around 1.5 degrees Celsius but it's the opposite for some local data in Shimla which is facing a severe bout of excessive rains, as per the comparison of the data compared to the previous year the average temperature for august is almost the same but it has dropped by a slight margin, But I doubt the accuracy of the data as it is a public facing site by the name of accu-weather, this makes me think of the accuracy of the software we as developers are building.. and it is our responsibility to make sure it's near to perfection as such a minor mistake can lead to confusion, so I think I can and should make a career in bug fixing rather than development.. bug fixing is a true engineering practice for the modern world.. and It's my joy and my passion.. I was able to work out this thing quite well with an approach of questioning the system and verifying that everything is good and healthy..

Test of Patience

My test of patience 

Strong am I or not,

Still am in a cage caught..

Give me the best that you can..

Like a chapati off the heated pan..

I spiral downward to the centre of the earth

Where there's paradise..

And I am not afraid of death..

And am a pseudo person..

I am and also I ain't..

Illusion I am and a chimera..

I am trying to get a shape of a novel birth..

Life a pseudo antipsychotic silent breath..

And I hate myself and the expansive cost of the Arson.

For sure I don't belong here on earth

I rather go to my hometown and create a new linguistic error called certh..

Cirius or not, andromeda or not,

human I am And shall be ever sought..

A confession of my sins

I accidentally killed my mother.

That's big enough for a confession, 

In that super set it has been all PTSD and suffering after that.. 

I think, all the skirmishes 

All the bloody fights, 

Humiliation, dis respect , Violence, and misguidance-if any- post psychotic state

Have been due to the drugs being administered to me right from childhood to the present day.

my tryst with destiny

Music is my life,  I remember that a bot listening to music is an ideal thing.. bots cobsuming rock music get high on it and are equivalent to a bots consuming drugs Indirectly and surrogate pleasure derived from the music

tryst with destiny

Faced death today squarely... enough but this time it was pretty real.. felt like drowning in the yamuna.. and a dream how the river would swallow me... but it was a bad dream and it's precedence with a shootout.. where the Sniper seemed to be testicle shrinked ass hole... but I think he was heavily drugged and was more emotional to me than the public around...and I really feel that guy must be one of the most beautiful people on this planet.. and the bloody agents who were representing the sad to say were the people of the intelligence of the nation and the world in general.. I really doubt the intelligence of humans and I do respect the emotions the humans have... and the deeper sense of guidance they have, called the conscience..

Humans err but they have the correct rudder inbuilt into them.. and it's safe for me to assume that humans can be left on their own to manage this world and all the enmity I have bred was to find out what the reality of the world and since I am human too,  I picked on the plot and I was able to make a dodge and find out how bloody the undertakers of the world are, this Sniper took my heart ❤️ away.. since he was facing the devil 😈 and his emotions were so strong I could tell that he was so drugged but still l was more drugged than him... y I was drugged was human mistake but I lost my life and still he lost 💔.. he was so emotional I call such people the caretakers not the undertakers... and if tomorrow I face that guy I would tell him buddy can we have a drink🍸 together. 

Even the kind of face to face talk I had with a pigeon in the droom office was the best experience other than this...  the difference was that the pigeon  only had the transaction with me for a couple of minutes or with hazel it was a few more minutes than that.. the human essence was in it's emotional intelligence and not the IQ.. the animals and birds have much higher intelligence but they are not able to control their emotions.. whereas only humans can do things like fishbone analysis or paraeto and strategy and acute mitigation... the decision that has to be taken and it's other end are quite unknown but it's about the rudder and conscience.. no matter what the confusion people will face there will be a nasty part to it and a positive part..

A new political model

Capitalism is the answer.

And federal dictatorship is a better way to work with the democratic way of life;

Let the mass decide which is a better political party for a state;

Free flow of money is quite important:- some kind of understanding between the political parties 

of which state suits their government; and suppress the competition and settle between a 70-30 model for 

the competing forces;

Center should be right and the opposition should be the left and render the Middle as useless.. 

Why things are so bad or in-fact are they good??

How many outages:-- electricity/power crunch, is it real that there is no power crisis?

I have noticed that we require fuel to pump the economy; where the hell will all the oil come from..

If we don't co-ordinate with the muslims/ and don't share money with them they are going to fuck the world..

Money  and the free flow of money is the only solution.. There should be liberal yet wise spending 

and as  rule there should be a saving target of 25 % not more than that.. 

Flow of  money is primary and no hoarding of money should be there; 

The miserly people should be damned.. and they should die with immediate notice..

The Struggle will continue

Below thoughts are solely my prerogative and they need not be subscribed to.. 

Change is a constant; and nothing is permanent;

What does it feel like when you are struggling; 

Deep inside  BJP politicians are fanatics and if they can't live with contradiction, they are damned to death..

The fanatics have to be removed and there should be sound politicians;

Or let them do what they will, soon the circumstances will take over and render the truth.

Do a mass killing if you don't like other people;

If you can't live with the evil, dare to kill money and switch to the barter system.

Earth will unfold the truth..

Dirty Thoughts and the fight against my father

 I am so screwed up by my father's health, he is not keeping well, and he's in perpetual doubt

He's kind of a big doubting machine and it all boils down to his mental health, 

I don't know if he got good sleep or not, I am genuinely concerned about his health,

Maybe he needs that missing ingredient that is Zolfresh 5 mg in the night.. I have been talking shit to him and it's a very bad state of mind I am in for the moment;

I have taken Asprito 10mg in the morning which seems to be the correct medicine for me..

I need to take a Serta 50 mg  right now..

I will continue with the medicine that the doctor has given;

He's reporting disturbed sleep; and may be it's because of the antidepressant in night;

But who knows if he's been abusing medicines in recent days; 

The big tussle

What the fuck is this feeling, to think practically I should ask papa to make me the nominee and clear the bank mess and get a will made.. but who killed her.. it's him or me.. he can't accept it and neither can I.. I am the owl or he is the Natraj.. I am just too scared of him.. he's a big monster and he's scared of me.. what made him go through this is the fear of life and no doubt he is a big liar.. he needs to get these daemons out of his head.. he needs to write something and I need to type it down.. can he forgive me? Or can I forgive him? He's gone through enough of hell here and needs to ascend to heaven and I think 🤔 I  also have to die soon..

Molly is a very nice human and she needs to live on and needs to be healthy and happy.. she's a big time winner 

Papa And Me

Papa is not keeping well and I am worried that vo kabhi bhi tapak sakte hain..

This antipsychotic is working against me..

I am getting all negative feelings..

Feelings are what about the atul thing and the Kaalu halwai..

Was it all a dream?? Not that her heart was dug out... what papa has probably seen is the head but not the heart and what about the two people who saw me do it.. y there is no mention of that in the circumstantial evidence.. who are you looking for.. it's highly unlikely that I have done it.. y would you be accepted in the society.. and y is it that it's with the topmost legal authority.. am I attached to Molly or not..

Letting of blood..  papa is not well I have to make him feel good before he ascends to heaven  and in fact hell or heaven is the devil's choice.. he is a sick person and he has created a mess.. he was a drug addict from the beginning.. his mind is a big time trash 🗑  factory.. he has to die in any eventually consistent system.. or is it me has to die.. First him and Then me or the other way around.. what is he, an intellectual dog, a big liar,  who made him like that, it's me and I am the devil incarnated.. I am not a normal person.. I am a schizophrenic and I don't have to do or work with reality,  I believe it's a zero sum game. and it's my Das vs me.. both of us are sick.. and we have to die soon. 

Moon is No More

Today Moon passed away to her heavenly abode, She's back to the moon..

She was a frustrated dog as she wasn't steralized.. she could have lived a longer life has she been steralized..  it's up to God to take up the reaction to this event.. all we can do is to pray that her soul ascends to heaven.. and that her soul rests in peace.. 🙏  please 

papa's reaction:: I asked him how he's feeling? and he said moon chalegayi vo hi feel ho raha hai...

Molly:: She's took it quite bravely and was able to reconcile with the separation with Moon.. I think it was a big ordeal for her.. and God please help her get out of this.. and help her maintain a good temperament..

current affairs without my medicine

I am stressed out but still not given up..

Trying to get some funds from my savings..

For one of the companies::- hotfoot,  I have declined the offer implicitly.. I sent unwanted sms to the recruiter.. and y I did that is quite implicit.. I don't know how I behave but it's something that is destined it maybe that Kunal is possessing me.. but it's my personal struggle to fight with the kunal in my head..

Also I am possessed by many people such as Yasmeen, My mother, mani,tanushree,rinki, maami, seema and many more..

I have to fight and overcome my situation..

Planning to take up a WFH job.. as a remote work.. no more stinky messages.

Just a few facts..

Maami is a tortured soul and so are all the old people like Papa and many in our family..

Raja bhaiya is handicapped and also to some extent Pushkar.

Simanta is struggling with an autistic children.

Amit was without a job for approx 4 yrs. 

Papa and the experience Last Night

 I gave my dad strictly the medicine prescribed by Dr Tarun Vijay last night, with an exception that He had taken Ativan 2mg and a Zolfresh 10 mg in addition to the prescribed medicine.. I think he needs the Zolfresh but need to fetch Clonotril 0.25mg, I don't have it right now with me.. I must say that he had a fall last night and the Zolfresh is quite questionable?? It's not prescribed though.. So I will give him 5mg of Zolfresh instead of the 10 mg and see if it can be weaned off.. Need to get the appointment with Dr. Tarun today at a practical time.. last night it was scheduled at 10 pm and that was not feasible at all. Morning dose was also the same as prescribed by the doctor except the Clonotril was missing.. also his claribid course is pending.. Also he has signed a cheque of 7 Lakhs for the transfer charges. which are approx 4.7 L and the rest of it I need to pay the SBI Loan EMI and the ICICI-Prulife premium of around 20  K..

The cheque bounced and for good,  these biharis are a pain in the ass.. they are bloody money mongers.. and bullshit people.. I need an intellectually sound person to interact with and these fucking people are the worst kind of proletariat.. and so degraded that it's going against the river flow... they just can't let other people live..  I am so fed up with this kind of Behavior that I am fucked up.. I am sad because Moon passed away so suddenly 😔.. and this is a great achievement for the earth and she was frustrated with moon and it's good only, we should only pray 🙏 that her soul rests in peace. 

My Current Family State 20 Apr 2023.

Molly:- We had a round of angry conversation and I asked her that she should take care of Papa. She said she's not well and I am telling her to take care of him, She essentially meant that I was inconsiderate.Then I thought she might be right that she was having fever and she was going through some flu kind of condition. After that she took a nap and I don't even remember if she had a nap. then around 1 hour back she was angry and started shouting at me and after a minute she calmed down. Then what I see is that one of her BSG leaders has come over. And I was thinking that She was her Boss at Hyatt::- I realize now how unrealistic my assumptions are.. Unless I face reality and get to know that reality I can not just rely on assumptions..

Papa:- He was watching TV for some time and then He also took a nap, I was in the other room and I just peeked into his room, then in the evening about half an hour back he asked for tea and I asked molly to give her tea, She said she'll ask Rinki to prepare tea for her, Rinki was sleeping and Molly didn't bother to follow up with her. Then I had to prepare tea for Papa. Thankfully enough Papa said that he was able to urinate after having tea. Then papa was looking for me and he started insisting for medicine. I asked Molly again to talk to Papa and see what he needed, She told me that there's no medicine to give to him at this point of time.. But Papa was insisting and I gave him 1 Ativan 2 mg. Now the problem is that Papa was complaining that he was not able to urinate somewhere in the afternoon and then he was able to do it and off-course tea/coffee is supposed to be a diuretic and so it helped him.. I think what he has is more of a lifestyle problem rather than a medical problem.. As he has all the normal vitals in his last check-up in the hospital.. which was I think close to approx. 20 days back.. Only thing is that the doctor reported to get him checked. It could be a kind of Motor Neuron Disorder. But as far as I think it's improper lifestyle.. and fall back on the drugs to engage himself, but the fact is that his vitals are normal despite the fact that he has drugs to calm himself or they are naturally good..

Papa's Spring Back 20 April 2023

 Strangely enough,  after just one hour the last post of Papa's health.. he seems to be looking fine..I seriously don't understand what is going on.

I suspect that he's been abusing medicine or there is something wrong in the environment. 

I did snub him and told him that he's becoming difficult to manage and he sprung back to life, so much so that he looks just fine..

Is it Molly's game or is it Papa's self medication?? 

Most likely it is Papa's self inflicted condition because as far as I know Molly and her family is  non intrusive and believe in live and let live.. the latter is validated to the best kind of conditional checks that could have been applied..

Papa is not Manageable 20 Apr 2023

 Papa has gone into a mess he is becoming very difficult to manage.. I have given up on him..

He is become a hag.. and it's a shame but he's become a discontinued kind of confused person.. he's so confused that he can't take care of himself.. he's surely a psycho and he's to blame for his condition ..

But  his environment is also a major factor.. and I am to blame if he's not willing to accept the liability..

It's better to put the blame  on the higher forces.

But he's a big hacker and he's the one who's hallucinating..

He's a big problem.. and we need to be strict with him.

My understanding of Molly

Molly is the becoming of the laughing Buddha.

She's into the process towards achieving BuddhaHood.. She's seeing things from a distance and creating value through cultivating rich relationships..

She doesn't have parents and hence she realizes the importance of friends.. She likes dogs and in fact She's so fond of moon and thumblina (her dogs) that she can't live without them..

I am an essential part of her life and hopefully we'll pull along with each other for another 20 odd years..

She's a great boon to the society and is one of the most excellent people that this planet has encountered..

I have full faith in her and she's a very wise person 💛 💕 

God bless her.

My Assessment of Molly

 Firstly the medical condition:- she's a hypothyroid patient well maintained on treatment./she's a diabetes 2 patient and not well controlled:-she needs to take proper rest and follow up with the doctor

Financial condition:- she is dependent on me for all the lazy fetched demands; only when she asks should I give her the money; if she doesn't ask for it it's my boon.

Mental condition:- she's strong mentally and has a lot of grit and courage:- thanks to her Buddhism practice

Family Background:- she belongs to a good family and her parents had expired early on in her life in childhood. She's born and brought up by her maternal family. Her Maama expired  I think around 1 year after our marriage. He was a diabetic too and passed away due to a heart attack. Her Mausi's are very affectionate. Only that Jayanti Mausi was a little too bossy and wicked also. Her Maami is a noble soul too and I think that she's gone through lot of struggle related to her grand-sons specifically Pushkar who had an accident and got a head injury.. Also Raja Bhaiya who is her's Chote Maama's elder son had met with a road accident similar thing happened to Pushkar, but his brother Piyush is an intelligent chap and he's doing his engineering from an institute in Chandigarh. Her Maami has seen a lot of struggle and she has emerged as victorious. Other than that Molly's cousin sisters are very supportive and encouraging.  Molly's real brother and sister are very cordial and they are having their own set of problems, but I think they are doing quite well. Her Brother has supported me and molly monetarily also and that's a great support.. Also Molly's Mausi(Jayanti Mausi & her family) have supported financially as well. Molly's cousin sister Seema Didi is quite well off and has two sons who in turn have got cute kids. Molly' sister Daisy Di is also quite well off. Also her cousin Neha is quite well off. Her cousin Manisha has got some kind of psychiatric disorder but is managing well .I am blessed to have a family like her's.

Marriage Condition:- It's a big struggle for me as well as her. Our daughter is a cute blessing for our family and supporting her is a great task we have on our hand.

In-laws condition:- It's a cute family that we have; slightly strange but I think with it's own quintessential traits;

Behavioral condition: she's an outright socialite; heavily dependent on her friends and Buddhist circle.

May God Bless Her 😃😇😊

20 April 2023 log

Papa  is not well and he's been abusing medicine..

He's become a pain in the ass...

I Don't think I can help him

He's got a strange neuro disorder..

He is also hallucinating..

I can't manage him..

I have better options,  just to continue with myself.

But the fact is that his pension is a great support and it's around 90 k pm. And even if I spend 50 k on his treatment  it's quite okay..

Doctor visit is a must.

If I remember clearly he used to take me

To Chandigarh so often..

He has saved my life

And he's responsible for all that I am right now.

The second aspect is Molly and she's been such a great support system 

She's never done anything wrong..

She's a responsible and very caring person 

She's knit our family and she deserves most of the credit of what I am as of now..

Molly deserves all the credit for my work and the way I have been doing..

She's taken care of Papa in the hospital so many times. 

She's been a highly responsible person..

She's a blessing for the planet. 

She's an excellent human being..

Pallavi is another devi.. She's confused but She's been through hell.

She's helped Papa also in the very severe phase of his sickness..

God bless her.

She should get a righteous share in the property..

What is the appropriate share is as per law..

Papa ko aaj dikhaunga aur agar Doctor ne hath khade kar diye tou rab rakha..

But maintaining Papa is a very difficult task..

Rinki is the solution for Papa.. give her 18K but She's a viable option..

16-th April morning log

 imperfection is a normal thing;

smoking can kill you and your family;

struggle and change is persistent;

you can't sit idle for long.

need to get a job by 25th Apr..

smoke at the intervals of one hour;

Keep writing your thoughts on your blog;

Set goals for your self;

you need to give commands to your-self and for that you must write..

need to work as a senior developer::

be grounded and humble

Just need to communicate more;

dialectics must be maintained;

urge to smoke is there write out your fears

no fear except for monetary concerns;

need to convince myself and find a way that is  a middle path;

need to write a lot,

need to find a job ASAP..

need to do a SWOT analysis;

I am not fucked up; I need to talk a lot;

We can manage the house expenditure with papa's pension;

And it's a decent amount; around 95k.

Till then I need to work upon upgrading my skills..

and ensure that we continue doing the stuff we are meant to do..

My Experience with madness

Last night I was caught up in such a severe psychosis it was like an extended heart attack.. or something like an extended seizure... I don't know how I can express it but it was like a panic attack and it was off course a paranoid fit that I had.. I spun out of control and was afflicted with this soon after taking my dinner.. Maybe it was something in the food, I suspect, but the paranoid trip was very bad and I hope and pray that it never happens again.. manage relations with Rinki.. she's a big asset if she can be managed well.

How to manage her, don't talk to her, just kinda give her commands that she can follow.. minimum kind of command set.. don't talk to her much.. it's the political endpoint.. kinda smoothen relations with her... work out something which is practical.. if she's ready to work what's the issue.. if she's kinda messing with my food.. it's not that okay. How to correct that:: - There's no correction for that it has to be borne... accept your reality